STILL HERE

David went cos he lost. Nigel went cos he won. Boris went cos he won but can’t win thanks to Michael, who reckons he can win despite having won. Theresa lost but might win, even though no one who lost can. Jeremy won but, like Boris, can’t win, so he’ll be gone soon too - once someone who can win wins. Tony would probably have to go soon if it weren’t for the fact that he already went. So he’ll stay gone.

Meanwhile, the rest of us - winners and losers - aren’t going anywhere. Us amateur legislators don’t have the luxury of resigning, disgraced and discredited, because we never had a reputation to besmirch. Of fading back into the background, because we never stepped out of it. Of spending more time with our families because we spend too much time with them already.

POP GEAR

So 4.4 million people tuned in to watch Top Gear. What does that tell us about how good the show was? Absolutely nothing. They didn’t tune in because they liked it, they tuned in because deep down they knew they wouldn't, but wanted to be proved wrong. Unfortunately, and inevitably, they were not.

Imagine if James Bond walked off the set of the next Bond movie and vowed never to come back. Not Daniel Craig mind you, James Bond. What would the producers do for the next movie? Make a Bond film without Bond in the hope nobody notices? Fooling themselves into thinking that international espionage and the inner working of the British Intelligence Service are what people actually watch Bond movies for? No, they’d probably call it a day.

Which would have been a very good idea when Clarkson went last year. May and Hammond knew the show couldn’t work without the three of them so they left too. The BBC probably knew that as well, but had no choice but to give it a go. So they pretended people watch Top Gear to see people - any people - dicking about in cars, and re-booted the show.