FOOLS AND HORSES

At my barbers they play Only Fools and Horses on a looping DVD. All the time. I sit and watch while I wait my turn, chuckling occasionally, despite myself. Welcome back, says the barber to the guy in the chair as he whips the cape off with a flourish and invites him back into the world of the respectable haircut.

Then I’m in the hot seat and I ask him whether he ever gets sick of Only Fools and Horses. No, not at all. He doesn’t actually watch it. He’s too focused on what he’s doing. He has to wait until he gets home to watch it properly. He’s a funny guy, of Italian descent. His colleague at the other chair asks him if he’s looking forward to his holiday in Barbados. No, this is a holiday he remarks. Cutting the hair of fine gentleman like me.

He tells me I have great hair and asks whether I use any products. I say no, and he comments that that’s probably why it’s so good. Products suffocate hair – it needs to breathe you know. I didn’t know. It’s grown a lot since the last visit, and he asks whether I’ve been eating too healthily. Marriage is good for slowing hair growth, he tells me.  And supporting Arsenal.

He asks if he’s taken enough off. How short was it last time? As usual I can’t remember. I tell him that I think my last visit was round about the general election. Oh God, he says. He hasn’t taken enough off. That was three months ago, and hair grows half an inch per month. Or more if you eat a lot of broccoli. Again, I didn’t know that.

Back to Del Boy. It’s the one where the ‘posh bird’ cons him into giving her the painting that’s been hanging unnoticed on the wall for years. A ‘family hair loom’. She sells it for a small fortune, only to be told by Del that it was in fact stolen by his grandmother. He always gets the last laugh, my barber comments.

At the end we take a selfie in front of the mirror for future reference. I pay my 15 quid, he tells me to keep off the fruit and veg, and I leave. And then it occurs to me: didn’t I see the last guy pay 11?

@jesoverthinksit