07.55: Shit Excuse No. 1
The pilot’s taking on that smug 'aren’t I a star' tone of voice because he’s flown us to Stansted airport ten minutes quicker than he had to. You hear it first somewhere over Norfolk when he says "Cabin Crew prepare the cabin for arrival," with a slight lilt and rising intonation that actually says 'this really is a piece of piss you know.' By the time he orders the crew to "disarm doors for arrival” the smugness has blossomed into a full blown 'God, I’m good at this. Sometimes I surprise even myself.'
But his next announcement is a little less triumphal. It transpires that, although he’s really rather fine, some of the people with whom he is forced to associate have failed to live up to his standards. Big time. The ground crew have been taken totally by surprise by his over performance, and are still trying to find a set of steps to get us off. So, through no fault of his own, we’re stuck, and the extra time generated by his flying prowess gradually wastes away as we stand in a line waiting with our coats on. All of which prompts a number of questions:
1) If flying to London in under one hour and five minutes is so difficult that you don’t have time to radio ahead and tell them you’re coming, is it really worth the bother? And shouldn’t you ideally fly in a way that allows you to speak and formulate coherent sentences at the same time? Perhaps he doesn’t have hands free...?
2) Why are aeroplanes the only public transport vehicles where the guy in charge tells everyone else what to do over the intercom? Can’t they use the phone? And why do they need to do it anyway? Haven’t the cabin crew been trained? Don't they do it often enough to know that once the plane's on the ground there’s a fair chance the doors are going to need to be opened pretty soon? Or is sounding terribly cool to 150 people just something the pilots insist on for the benefit of their egos?
3) Why do people stand up whilst waiting to get off a plane? Is it because if they sit down the crew might forget they’re there and suddenly take off again to some far flung part of the world before they can raise the alarm?
4) Why are aircraft doors armed? Is it so they self-destruct if any undesirables try to get in at 36,000 feet? (Those immigrants will try anything these days).
09.15: Shit Excuse No. 2
I’m on the Stansted express which isn't behaving like an express at all. It’s more like a long thin waiting room full of angry people who need to be somewhere else, and were hoping the Stansted Express would take them there. But, unlike a long thin waiting room, there is no way out. So we sit and wait for the explanation. And when it comes, it blows our minds. The train isn’t moving because it’s being held at a red signal.
So that’s how trains work. I wonder idly why we don’t get a similar announcement every time the train passes a green signal. Explaining that the train is still moving because it hasn’t been stopped by a red one. That would be a lot of announcements, but it would be nice to be kept up to date. Perhaps we should also be told how the electric motors in the power cars at either end of the train are successfully drawing power from the overhead lines and thus allowing the vehicle to move rapidly in a forward direction. That would be useful too.
13.20: Shit Excuse No. 3
My EasyJet app has just binged into life and delivered a message about that evening’s flight. Which is what I guess it’s supposed to do, so it’s odd it’s never done it before. Anyway, the news isn’t good. The departure time has been shifted from 17:50 to 18:15. But the good news is that there’s also a Live Update which provides all the up-to-the-minute information I need to understand the reason for the delay, and hence forgive EasyJet. And here it is:
Live update:
Delayed aircraft caused by an earlier flight delay due to awaiting crew from a late previous flight.
Okay, so the delay is because an earlier flight was delayed because the crew were delayed because an earlier flight was delayed. I don’t call this an explanation. I call it a chain of events. This is what happened. But I have no idea what caused the delay to the flight that had the crew on it that needed to be on the flight that delayed my Edinburgh flight. And whose fault it was. It’s as though if we go back three flights the need to discover an explanation evaporates away. It just becomes ancient history; we can speculate, but will never know the truth.
16.35: Shit Excuse No. 4
Powerless, I watch the tray with my stuff in get nudged sideways onto the conveyor belt of sin where it joins the line of similarly dubious receptacles awaiting closer inspection. The security staff watch from behind bomb-proof screens as a small tank-tracked robot approaches it and begins prodding and probing with various precision instruments. The all clear is sounded and the tray is delivered to the table of shame where I must go to claim it and account for my improprieties. It has to be the little plastic bag with my toothpaste and deodorant. I know for a fact it isn’t compliant yet have chosen not to address the issue for - well it must be a year and a half. That’s 138 flights. Not only is is not sealed, it is also old and bedraggled with a number of toothpaste stains and wear-and-tear perforations. Well, they’ve got me now. I stand sheepishly waiting for the man to deliver his verdict.
"The bag…," he begins.
“I Know, torn…”
“Make sure you put it to the front so I don’t get a bad tray, okay pal?”
What is this? A new rule. I have questions:
1) What does he mean by ‘the front’? The leading edge closest to the bearer of the tray and aligned to the front of the conveyor? Or 'the front' as in the side of the tray corresponding to its direction of travel?
2) Why does he think I know what a ‘bad tray’ is?
3) Why are there so many people working in so many airports with so many different sets of rules? Is it the organisational equivalent of the Enigma machine: so many frigging combinations that no terrorist is ever going to be able to figure out the rules and thus flout them? Probably: very clever.
They’re good questions, but they remain unasked. I sense he wishes me to move the hell along so I oblige.
17.55: Shit Excuse No. 5
We’re ready to go, and one of the cabin crew begins by welcoming us onboard this flight to Glasgow. But we’re going to Edinburgh. At least I think we are. I look around, and no one seems in the least perturbed. So I panic. I’ve learnt from bitter experience how far it’s possible to get through an airport before anyone actually bothers looking at your boarding card. I flag down a passing crew member and enquire:
“Yes, we’re going to Edinburgh,” she reassures me. "It’s because we’ve just come from Glasgow.”
She looks towards the offending colleague cowering at the back.
“It’s okay, she knows she’s made a mistake.”
If you like airports, airlines and associated train links as much as I do, you should also be reading:
Recovered
Angel Road
Airport Philosophy Part 1: Identity of Indiscernibles
@jesoverthinksit
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