KNOT GUILTY

"Go on then, tie him on."

The secret of being a successful adult is to only do things you can do. This is particularly important for people who, for example, build bridges. Or fly aeroplanes. Less important for those of us who don’t do anything that really matters to anyone else. But still quite important in so much as if you want someone to give you money for doing something, it really ought to be something you can do.

Consequently, very few adults do things they can’t, particularly when there’s someone watching. We leave that to the kids. For example, the fact that not a single kid in the class can sing in tune does not detract from the sick-making appeal of the Christmas carol concert. In fact it makes it all the more sick-full. The fact that a kid can’t draw doesn’t stop you pasting its artwork all over the fridge. In fact if it could draw, we’d probably be much less inclined to exhibit its work, on the grounds that being able to do things should really be left to us adults (and we don’t want the little brat to develop an over-inflated opinion of itself do we).

NAIL IN THE COFFEE

This morning I ordered an Americano instead of a Latte. With hot milk for prolonged rapture. And it made me wonder where this is going. I’m guessing the next step is drop the milk. Then add an extra shot (whatever that is). Then two extra shots, then three, four - I don’t know, what’s the maximum? When do they pat you on the shoulder and say ‘I think you’ve had enough son’ and alert the security staff to see you off the premises?

For years I held out against coffee. It was tea all the way, the comforting and benign ritual of bubbly water on herby pillows. The aural equivalent of a hot bath - every half hour. Because that’s the thing about tea. It’s such a non event that you just keep doing it. Not so much a drink as a periodic change of texture. In those days the coffee drinkers were a dark and mysterious under-class. Masters of the infernal filtering apparatus that summoned forth the pungent black liquid of their desire. I treated them with suspicion, nay disdain.

DEAD AGAIN

Today I stumbled upon a thought, the magnitude of which can barely be comprehended. In fact I’m seriously considering patenting it, and then using it to start a new world order that will probably change the course of human history. Not a new ‘religion’ you’ll notice. Because that’s the point. We don’t need religion any more. Because of my new thought.