SPACE SHODDITY

Posted 12th February 2016:

Big week for Space.

Turns out Einstein was right after all (note to self: never doubt anyone called Einstein) and gravitational waves exist.  The thing is that they always had to exist because of his theory of relativity. It’s just that now they do. Thank God.

So how did we finally find them? Well, we invented a machine that can detect things that are so small, and happen so quickly, that until recently we were happy to conclude they weren’t there at all. Things less than a thousandth the diameter of an atomic nucleus apparently. Now I’m no expert (despite having the Guardian App on my iphone) but I’m guessing that’s pretty small.  Small to the point of not really mattering.  

So where did this practically non-existent thing come from? Must have been a bit of a non-event eh? To produce something so pathetically hardly there. Wrong. It was the collision of two black holes, each roughly 35 time bigger than the sun. So it’s hardly surprising we haven't come across any of these gravitational waves earlier. I mean imagine what it would take to get a jam jar full? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to get close enough.

But anyway, now we have this machine for detecting ridiculously small things coming from ridiculously large things, we can set about discovering some other things that have to exist but currently don’t. Like the dark matter and dark energy that has to make up 96% of the universe, despite being ‘invisible' and ‘undetectable' (neat trick that - not being there, but saying you are because you have to be - must try it at work). It always seems such a big shame to me that we’re never going to see or detect the vast majority of what exists.  Such a waste.  Mind you, probably not a good idea to look at 96% of the universe through an instrument designed to detect things smaller than a thousandth of the diameter of an atomic nucleus. It would probably hurt. A lot.

Talking of theoretical things becoming painfully fact-full, turns out the Millennium Falcon now falls within the remit of the Health & Safety Executive - presumably along with every other space freighter that enters Earth’s orbit. Suddenly that galaxy far far away feels way too close to home. I’d always thought the HSE was about as likely to crop up on the Millennium Falcon as the Sith Lord Annual Awards Dinner. But not the case. Thank God they never got into the garbage masher. They’d surely have something to say about that.

Han Solo maimed by his very own piece of junk. It might be able to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, but getting on and off can be a real bugger if you're not careful. Apparently someone pressed the wrong button and the ramp came down on the unsuspecting space pirate. Damn fool! You can’t mess around with alien technology like that. Particularly when it’s got such a patchy service record.  Let’s face it, practically every alien species in the galaxy has had a shot at fixing it at some time or another. This is complex kit!  Whoever pressed that button obviously wasn’t qualified to do so.  Earthling no doubt.

So, it’s taken us 50 years to discover something infinitesimally small that we knew existed anyway. Because it had to. And it turns out we can’t operate the Millennium Falcon. We're not talking about flying it mind - that probably is quite tricky - but making its ramp go up and down. What’s this planet coming to?


More thoughts on Star Wars: Whose Star Wars?   Pantone 291   Han Solo


@jesoverthinksit